The Dark I Know Well

I don't have much to say lately. Rather, I don't have much that I care to say.

I haven't really left the house much because I've been sick. Looking forward to tomorrow's doctor's appointment; hoping some sort of functional resolution will be achieved.

Regardless, life is good and unexpected and I'm trying not to base my expectations and happiness on the actions (or potential inactions) of others. All I will say about it is that I'm enjoying what's happening and I hope that it continues.

As much as it scares me to say this, I've been reconsidering the idea of finishing my degree in state. I've spent so long wanting to get out, that the very notion that I would be better off in Arizona is...disconcerting, to say the least. Now that I'm no longer tied to Phoenix, I'm seeing all of the amazing things Phoenix has to offer. Especially in terms of a career, I think it might actually be feasible to market my art and continue to grow as an artist (a concept so foreign to me in my anti-Phoenix daze). I will, however, still continue with the application process, but I suppose it's comforting to know that I have options (that I would be happy with, no less).

Working on some really...fun work for next month. There's something just plain delightful to me about utilizing kid's art supplies to make fine art. The bits and pieces I've finished thus far are turning out quite nicely.

Are We There Yet?

I'm at the halfway point for both of the September shows. I was a little concerned over the past couple days that I wouldn't be done in time for hanging, but I did some figuring and I should be fine if I manage my time wisely. I have a three day weekend coming up, which will allow me the opportunity to make a lot of headway and hopefully finish at least one of the show's works. At the point, I'll just need to worry about framing and hanging apparatus.

There was a slight tension in my back and neck that seems to be getting worse, and I'm hoping that it's not due to the long painting sessions I've been having lately. I'm not too worried, but still taking care not to aggravate the situation (at least until my health insurance kicks in in September). It was MUCH worse when I was stressing about everything I need to take care of before I leave, though. School starts in two weeks, and I'm SO excited. I'm taking a full course load, but I'll be cutting my hours at work, so I'm not worried about getting too bogged down. Once these shows are hung with pictures shot, my portfolio will be about 90% complete (save a couple non-show pieces I'm working on in new media.) From that point, it's all paperwork, school, work, and writing this piece for Seven Minutes. Dawn and Nina will be performing with me, which makes me MORE scared, oddly enough. Initially, it was just me, doing a simple solo performance. With my concern that it wouldn't come close to filling the time allotted, I'm adding two more chapters for the ladies, which means more writing (which isn't too big a deal), keeping the original feel of the first piece in mind (which is the part I'm worried about).

I have no doubt I'll be able to do it and do myself justice.

Also: my show at PA is listed on showup.com and that totally freaks me out.

Search and Rescue

I've been avoiding writing a new entry until I felt like I had something substantial accomplished. I don't know that I have, just yet. Regardless, I feel an update is in order.

Things are going well at work, outside of it being a little slow because of the weather. I'm getting a lot of positive reinforcement on my artwork from employees at the museum, which is so sweet and wonderful. It's such an amazing feeling to have someone tell me they saw my work online and they were awe struck. I didn't know what to do or say, I was so flattered and surprised I just sort of meekly replied "Oh! ...thank you, that's so nice." and moved on. One of the museum directors was telling me that they're going to miss me when I leave, which baffled me because I always thought she hated me. It's a great feeling seeing people's true feelings, but it's so bittersweet to know I'm leaving it all behind for something unknown.

As I wrote this, I found out some news that is...really hard to grasp. The thing I wanted for so long from someone that I love so much is now happening...to someone else. It's not that I wish that person ill will, it's just hard, I guess. It goes back to what I've said multiple times in the past few years: I accidentally help people find their way. I've loved in that painful way you never *try* to love someone, but you inevitably do because you see so much good in them that your love for them can scare you off because you're afraid of ruining someone so beautiful. They've found happiness, and I was a part of that because I helped them learn what they want, need, and deserve.

I guess it hit me so hard because I knew it never could have been me.

I started writing this ten hours ago. I lost my place (in more ways than one), hoping tomorrow I'll regain a minute sense of things again and force myself to focus on the tasks at hand. January's creeping closer by the second.

It's Okay to Be Different, Little Blueberry.

Every single day has just sort of...melted into one long day. Training a new employee tomorrow, with the hopes that she won't suck and not show up on Thursday and steal my day off like she did today.

One of the directors at the museum offered to critique my applications, which is incredible. She worked at Otis before she came to the museum, so I'm excited to get some honest and constructive feedback. I've been putting off writing my essays for a week or so now. I know how to help people understand my ideas through my paintings, but I'm nervous about getting tripped up in the writing aspect. I just need to suck it up and fucking do it.

Experimenting a lot more with cut-out silhouettes. I guess my initial worry about doing silhouette work was the need for intricate detail to keep the subject from just looking like a blob. I've always tried to make a point of avoiding the specific details in a piece (in sketches, I can shade properly, but I don't like it. In portraits, I'll avoid painting eyes or lips, for example. I like to focus on the bigger picture), and while I have an appreciation for detail, it almost feels like going against my natural intuition to leave out the little things, instead replacing them with the details I find to be more necessary to conveying my intended message. Regardless, I think it will be a good practice for me to pay more attention to the intricate details again.

If You Want To Lay at The Bottom of The Atlantic Ocean.

Oil paint update: outlook improving. I'm actually starting to enjoy working with oils, though it's still a pain to wait for work to dry. I hate this feeling of "I have a good idea, but I have to work in stages". With acrylics, I can bring an idea to fruition in just under a day. I currently have five pieces in oil drying around my apartment (including my commission from Amy), and I'm just itching to work on them.

I haven't really left the house much lately, save for work and a few errands after work. It's forced me to really analyze my work and the direction I want it to go in. For some reason, I always get this way around my birthday. I find a mild amount of solace in this hermit-type nature I've developed, but I'm thirsting for real human interaction again.

One of the managers at work told me to start packing. He made the notion of leaving tangible, telling me "You know, January's not too far away. It'll be here before you know it." I can't help but feel like I'm wasting precious time, even while I'm working. I'm about halfway on my portfolio, and at this point, I just want it to be done. Once I have the final 20 images, then I can relax because it's just the essays (which are, for the most part, in their first draft edits) and paperwork. I can deal with paperwork. I just hate staring at 100 images and thinking "wait, this one instead of that one. Is this too blue? Is this not purple enough? Does this show what I can do? Does this painting make me look fat?"

Once this is done, then I can really focus on the website, the Practical Art show, and my piece for 7 Minutes.

I'm tired.

One Day Like Rain

I've felt so...drained the past few days. Apparently, I have to submit more information for my health insurance, which is frustrating because it's been 52 days since I applied. I got over my cold from last week on Tuesday, had two really good days, and woke up sick again today. I don't want to slack or fall behind on applications, but I feel like I should probably rest, so I've resigned myself to sitting in bed, watching movies on Hulu, and working on my application essays.

One of the managers at work gave me indispensable advice regarding school. I'm still nervous about submitting my applications, striving to make portfolio as strong as possible. In the meantime, though, I feel more clarity in terms of what happens after the applications are sent out and there's nothing left to do but wait.

It Was Like Being Seventeen Again.

The initial hope for this blog was to write every day. While I haven't posted every day, I do, oddly enough, open the publish screen every day and stare at it. I worry about self-repeating, writing about the same concerns, rather than focusing on the progress (no matter how minute) made on these issues and the goals I'm setting for myself.

I saw Gretchen on Monday, and it was exactly what I needed. I'm still unsure about the course of action from here, but seeing someone I love and getting the needed affirmation of the good in life was necessary. I'm grateful to have so many creative cheerleaders, and that reminder was enlightening; it gave me the hope and confidence I needed to forge ahead.

Being a list person, I decided my only way out of this educational mire I've put myself in was to list. Thinking long and hard about the potential impact my decision would make for each respective school, I listed. And listed and listed and listed and listed. Until my list muscle ached. I edited out schools due to weather, cost of living, school's emphasis, and so on until my list of 400,000 schools was a slim, but respectable six.

1. MICA
2. Corcoran
3. RISD
4. VCU
5. SMFA-Boston
6. Temple

MICA is my number one school, hands down. It's got the emphasis I want in the area I want. Every aspect of going to Baltimore for school is appealing to me. I feel good about the other five schools on my list, and I would be honored to attend any of them. In terms of the bigger picture (weather, neighborhood, transportation, cost of living), though, Baltimore is the city I want to be in.

Now that that's settled, I can address my next concerns. MICA has one of the lower acceptance rates of all the schools I'm applying to. At an average 37%, it's not as low as Temple (7-20%), but not as high as SMFA (92%). I've come this far just learning through observation. Watching and listening to my dad for 20 years, living and working in the arts district, and challenging myself has really afforded me the kind of knowledge I don't think I would have/could have gotten otherwise. I'm confident enough in my ability to challenge myself creatively, and to take on a 37% acceptance rate.

The other, more disheartening problem? For the Spring semester, MICA sends admissions notifications on December 18. For those of you keeping score, that's 3 months after other schools' admissions notifications, and 2 weeks before my departure. I don't know what to do in this regard. At all. Help. Seriously. Could really use some guidance here, in case I'm being too subtle.

While I would be pleased and honored to go to MICA, I don't know how to cope with the risk of not getting in, but already have declined ostensible acceptance offers from other schools.

Of course, knowing that money hasn't even come into play yet, I don't think I'm too worried about the financial aspect, which is odd for me. I want/need this so much, that regardless of the cost of attendance, I will do WHATEVER I can in order to make it happen.

As I write this, I feel as if I've written it before. If any of this information is repeated, I apologize to the two people I know who actually read it.