You Were Just a Lightning Bug

I'm waiting for lightning.

Financial aid is in order. Classes start in just a couple of weeks now, and I'm excited and nervous all at the same time. Regarding my...feelings yesterday, they haven't changed. I, however, have. I look back fondly on the things and people that have happened to my life, and while I regret things I never had the courage to do, the opportunities of which have since passed me by for better things, I can't look back. The decisions I've made in my life thus far are mine, for better or for worse. This is the start of a new adventure. While I lost the chance for an adventure with him, I owe it to myself not to lose this chance now. Maybe I'll win, maybe I'll lose. Maybe I'll explode into a thousand bits of confetti, maybe I'll burst into flames.

If I never try, then I've already lost. If bittersweet memories are all I have of Phoenix, then I guess I owe myself the pursuit of something brighter. Something fresh. Something green and new, just like me.

I'll miss you, but I'll never forget you.

If You Want To Lay at The Bottom of The Atlantic Ocean.

Oil paint update: outlook improving. I'm actually starting to enjoy working with oils, though it's still a pain to wait for work to dry. I hate this feeling of "I have a good idea, but I have to work in stages". With acrylics, I can bring an idea to fruition in just under a day. I currently have five pieces in oil drying around my apartment (including my commission from Amy), and I'm just itching to work on them.

I haven't really left the house much lately, save for work and a few errands after work. It's forced me to really analyze my work and the direction I want it to go in. For some reason, I always get this way around my birthday. I find a mild amount of solace in this hermit-type nature I've developed, but I'm thirsting for real human interaction again.

One of the managers at work told me to start packing. He made the notion of leaving tangible, telling me "You know, January's not too far away. It'll be here before you know it." I can't help but feel like I'm wasting precious time, even while I'm working. I'm about halfway on my portfolio, and at this point, I just want it to be done. Once I have the final 20 images, then I can relax because it's just the essays (which are, for the most part, in their first draft edits) and paperwork. I can deal with paperwork. I just hate staring at 100 images and thinking "wait, this one instead of that one. Is this too blue? Is this not purple enough? Does this show what I can do? Does this painting make me look fat?"

Once this is done, then I can really focus on the website, the Practical Art show, and my piece for 7 Minutes.

I'm tired.