It's hard to let go of someone you love. Damn near impossible.
I think about this daily. The moments with him that were amazing and life affirming, the moments that made me feel like I was repeatedly running head first into a wall and I wonder where things went so wrong. Two people who loved each other, but were so damaged they couldn't have faith in one another? There's almost no way anything healthy could come from that. We spent years running to and away from each other, and now after he's run away from Phoenix, I'm leaving knowing that no matter where I go and what I do, he'll always be in my heart. The notion (no matter how silly it might be) that someday things might work out will always be in the back of my mind. He was my first love, and I thank him for that. He taught me to love fearlessly, which is something I never had the courage to do with him. While the mistakes I made are painful and wear heavy on my soul, he taught me how not to make those same mistakes again. And I never will.
Maybe it's the unwittingly hopeful part of me, but I firmly believe that we'll get another chance someday. And when that day comes, I promise to grab the life I desire with both hands. You gave me that courage.
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Saturday, September 04, 2010
Sunday, August 01, 2010
You Were Just a Lightning Bug
I'm waiting for lightning.
Financial aid is in order. Classes start in just a couple of weeks now, and I'm excited and nervous all at the same time. Regarding my...feelings yesterday, they haven't changed. I, however, have. I look back fondly on the things and people that have happened to my life, and while I regret things I never had the courage to do, the opportunities of which have since passed me by for better things, I can't look back. The decisions I've made in my life thus far are mine, for better or for worse. This is the start of a new adventure. While I lost the chance for an adventure with him, I owe it to myself not to lose this chance now. Maybe I'll win, maybe I'll lose. Maybe I'll explode into a thousand bits of confetti, maybe I'll burst into flames.
If I never try, then I've already lost. If bittersweet memories are all I have of Phoenix, then I guess I owe myself the pursuit of something brighter. Something fresh. Something green and new, just like me.
I'll miss you, but I'll never forget you.
Financial aid is in order. Classes start in just a couple of weeks now, and I'm excited and nervous all at the same time. Regarding my...feelings yesterday, they haven't changed. I, however, have. I look back fondly on the things and people that have happened to my life, and while I regret things I never had the courage to do, the opportunities of which have since passed me by for better things, I can't look back. The decisions I've made in my life thus far are mine, for better or for worse. This is the start of a new adventure. While I lost the chance for an adventure with him, I owe it to myself not to lose this chance now. Maybe I'll win, maybe I'll lose. Maybe I'll explode into a thousand bits of confetti, maybe I'll burst into flames.
If I never try, then I've already lost. If bittersweet memories are all I have of Phoenix, then I guess I owe myself the pursuit of something brighter. Something fresh. Something green and new, just like me.
I'll miss you, but I'll never forget you.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Search and Rescue
I've been avoiding writing a new entry until I felt like I had something substantial accomplished. I don't know that I have, just yet. Regardless, I feel an update is in order.
Things are going well at work, outside of it being a little slow because of the weather. I'm getting a lot of positive reinforcement on my artwork from employees at the museum, which is so sweet and wonderful. It's such an amazing feeling to have someone tell me they saw my work online and they were awe struck. I didn't know what to do or say, I was so flattered and surprised I just sort of meekly replied "Oh! ...thank you, that's so nice." and moved on. One of the museum directors was telling me that they're going to miss me when I leave, which baffled me because I always thought she hated me. It's a great feeling seeing people's true feelings, but it's so bittersweet to know I'm leaving it all behind for something unknown.
As I wrote this, I found out some news that is...really hard to grasp. The thing I wanted for so long from someone that I love so much is now happening...to someone else. It's not that I wish that person ill will, it's just hard, I guess. It goes back to what I've said multiple times in the past few years: I accidentally help people find their way. I've loved in that painful way you never *try* to love someone, but you inevitably do because you see so much good in them that your love for them can scare you off because you're afraid of ruining someone so beautiful. They've found happiness, and I was a part of that because I helped them learn what they want, need, and deserve.
I guess it hit me so hard because I knew it never could have been me.
I started writing this ten hours ago. I lost my place (in more ways than one), hoping tomorrow I'll regain a minute sense of things again and force myself to focus on the tasks at hand. January's creeping closer by the second.
Things are going well at work, outside of it being a little slow because of the weather. I'm getting a lot of positive reinforcement on my artwork from employees at the museum, which is so sweet and wonderful. It's such an amazing feeling to have someone tell me they saw my work online and they were awe struck. I didn't know what to do or say, I was so flattered and surprised I just sort of meekly replied "Oh! ...thank you, that's so nice." and moved on. One of the museum directors was telling me that they're going to miss me when I leave, which baffled me because I always thought she hated me. It's a great feeling seeing people's true feelings, but it's so bittersweet to know I'm leaving it all behind for something unknown.
As I wrote this, I found out some news that is...really hard to grasp. The thing I wanted for so long from someone that I love so much is now happening...to someone else. It's not that I wish that person ill will, it's just hard, I guess. It goes back to what I've said multiple times in the past few years: I accidentally help people find their way. I've loved in that painful way you never *try* to love someone, but you inevitably do because you see so much good in them that your love for them can scare you off because you're afraid of ruining someone so beautiful. They've found happiness, and I was a part of that because I helped them learn what they want, need, and deserve.
I guess it hit me so hard because I knew it never could have been me.
I started writing this ten hours ago. I lost my place (in more ways than one), hoping tomorrow I'll regain a minute sense of things again and force myself to focus on the tasks at hand. January's creeping closer by the second.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Don't Be Afraid.
"You can't let fear keep you from being who you are."
Yesterday was strange in an oddly comforting way. I goaded the Torch into doing a secret show after the night's shows as an early birthday present, giving "Morgan's birthday" as the suggestion. I sat in an almost-empty theatre for approximately 30 minutes, watching people I love and respect make wildly astute observations about my life. Some scenes were hard to watch, some funny, some bizarre, but I felt such an amazing connection to all of those people performing at that moment. After the show, one of the performers (who I've recently gotten to talk to and get to know much better over the past couple of weeks, who also gave one of the most uncomfortable and heartfelt and touching and scary monologues I've ever seen) came to me, clasped his hands around mine and said "Don't be afraid."
At that moment, it seemed so simple. Don't be afraid. What a marvelously simple concept. When I got home, I cried. No, I didn't cry, I SOBBED. For hours. So touched by this community's love and unwavering support for their metaphorical little sister.
This morning, I felt like I was in a daze, torn between incredible confidence in what my future holds, and intense sadness over losing this amazing family. Whether they know it or not, these people will forever have a place in my heart, and I will carry the lessons they taught (in class and out) me for the rest of my life. I'd almost forgotten what this kind of love felt like.
Years and years and years from now, this will all be gone. Buildings demolished and replaced with highrises. Licenses expired and never renewed. People departed and searching for something new. But this love for a craft and love for people? That will never die, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
I know you all will never see this. But if, for some reason, you do, I love you all. You'll never know everything you've taught me. Thank you endlessly.
Yesterday was strange in an oddly comforting way. I goaded the Torch into doing a secret show after the night's shows as an early birthday present, giving "Morgan's birthday" as the suggestion. I sat in an almost-empty theatre for approximately 30 minutes, watching people I love and respect make wildly astute observations about my life. Some scenes were hard to watch, some funny, some bizarre, but I felt such an amazing connection to all of those people performing at that moment. After the show, one of the performers (who I've recently gotten to talk to and get to know much better over the past couple of weeks, who also gave one of the most uncomfortable and heartfelt and touching and scary monologues I've ever seen) came to me, clasped his hands around mine and said "Don't be afraid."
At that moment, it seemed so simple. Don't be afraid. What a marvelously simple concept. When I got home, I cried. No, I didn't cry, I SOBBED. For hours. So touched by this community's love and unwavering support for their metaphorical little sister.
This morning, I felt like I was in a daze, torn between incredible confidence in what my future holds, and intense sadness over losing this amazing family. Whether they know it or not, these people will forever have a place in my heart, and I will carry the lessons they taught (in class and out) me for the rest of my life. I'd almost forgotten what this kind of love felt like.
Years and years and years from now, this will all be gone. Buildings demolished and replaced with highrises. Licenses expired and never renewed. People departed and searching for something new. But this love for a craft and love for people? That will never die, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
I know you all will never see this. But if, for some reason, you do, I love you all. You'll never know everything you've taught me. Thank you endlessly.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)