Yellow Flowers Never Took My Breath Away

It's hard to let go of someone you love. Damn near impossible.

I think about this daily. The moments with him that were amazing and life affirming, the moments that made me feel like I was repeatedly running head first into a wall and I wonder where things went so wrong. Two people who loved each other, but were so damaged they couldn't have faith in one another? There's almost no way anything healthy could come from that. We spent years running to and away from each other, and now after he's run away from Phoenix, I'm leaving knowing that no matter where I go and what I do, he'll always be in my heart. The notion (no matter how silly it might be) that someday things might work out will always be in the back of my mind. He was my first love, and I thank him for that. He taught me to love fearlessly, which is something I never had the courage to do with him. While the mistakes I made are painful and wear heavy on my soul, he taught me how not to make those same mistakes again. And I never will.

Maybe it's the unwittingly hopeful part of me, but I firmly believe that we'll get another chance someday. And when that day comes, I promise to grab the life I desire with both hands. You gave me that courage.

Lots of Bodies

In my journey to achieve my personal, creative, and professional aspirations, I've gained a lot along the way. I've learned so much about myself and it's been really rewarding. That being said, I've managed to lose a lot as well. Fears and flaws that I've found crippling and scary have started to fall away. While I'm proud of myself for what I have accomplished thus far and I hope to accomplish in the future, it's bittersweet to think about the people in my life who have become shallow memories in my life. Silly nostalgias are all I have left of these people.

One person in particular became one of my best friends in a very short time. When I was going through a difficult time personally, he was there, waiting to catch me. I guess I should have done a deeper analysis of him, noticing the inconsistencies in his demeanor. He explicitly stated disengaging from relationships with people when he knows he or they are going away. It should have been so much more apparent to me. He wants to be a superhero. He wants to be the knight in shining armor. Our friendship hit the rocks when I wouldn't let him play that role in my life.

Now that I've learned to stand on my own two feet, we no longer exist together as companions. I haven't seen him in months, and multiple texts go unanswered. Honestly, I can't help but be angry at the idea that I'll be cut out of people's lives because I'm forging my own path. This journey is the one I need to take, and I feel as though the notion of the convenience of companionship is insulting and demeaning. Regardless, though, I really miss him and hope that some sort of friendship can be regained before I leave. He was a good friend. Maybe I should write it off as just another asshole, but I just can't. Nor would I want to believe that people can really be that cold.

I just wish people would stop being so scared.

You Were Just a Lightning Bug

I'm waiting for lightning.

Financial aid is in order. Classes start in just a couple of weeks now, and I'm excited and nervous all at the same time. Regarding my...feelings yesterday, they haven't changed. I, however, have. I look back fondly on the things and people that have happened to my life, and while I regret things I never had the courage to do, the opportunities of which have since passed me by for better things, I can't look back. The decisions I've made in my life thus far are mine, for better or for worse. This is the start of a new adventure. While I lost the chance for an adventure with him, I owe it to myself not to lose this chance now. Maybe I'll win, maybe I'll lose. Maybe I'll explode into a thousand bits of confetti, maybe I'll burst into flames.

If I never try, then I've already lost. If bittersweet memories are all I have of Phoenix, then I guess I owe myself the pursuit of something brighter. Something fresh. Something green and new, just like me.

I'll miss you, but I'll never forget you.

Search and Rescue

I've been avoiding writing a new entry until I felt like I had something substantial accomplished. I don't know that I have, just yet. Regardless, I feel an update is in order.

Things are going well at work, outside of it being a little slow because of the weather. I'm getting a lot of positive reinforcement on my artwork from employees at the museum, which is so sweet and wonderful. It's such an amazing feeling to have someone tell me they saw my work online and they were awe struck. I didn't know what to do or say, I was so flattered and surprised I just sort of meekly replied "Oh! ...thank you, that's so nice." and moved on. One of the museum directors was telling me that they're going to miss me when I leave, which baffled me because I always thought she hated me. It's a great feeling seeing people's true feelings, but it's so bittersweet to know I'm leaving it all behind for something unknown.

As I wrote this, I found out some news that is...really hard to grasp. The thing I wanted for so long from someone that I love so much is now happening...to someone else. It's not that I wish that person ill will, it's just hard, I guess. It goes back to what I've said multiple times in the past few years: I accidentally help people find their way. I've loved in that painful way you never *try* to love someone, but you inevitably do because you see so much good in them that your love for them can scare you off because you're afraid of ruining someone so beautiful. They've found happiness, and I was a part of that because I helped them learn what they want, need, and deserve.

I guess it hit me so hard because I knew it never could have been me.

I started writing this ten hours ago. I lost my place (in more ways than one), hoping tomorrow I'll regain a minute sense of things again and force myself to focus on the tasks at hand. January's creeping closer by the second.