Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Lots of Bodies

In my journey to achieve my personal, creative, and professional aspirations, I've gained a lot along the way. I've learned so much about myself and it's been really rewarding. That being said, I've managed to lose a lot as well. Fears and flaws that I've found crippling and scary have started to fall away. While I'm proud of myself for what I have accomplished thus far and I hope to accomplish in the future, it's bittersweet to think about the people in my life who have become shallow memories in my life. Silly nostalgias are all I have left of these people.

One person in particular became one of my best friends in a very short time. When I was going through a difficult time personally, he was there, waiting to catch me. I guess I should have done a deeper analysis of him, noticing the inconsistencies in his demeanor. He explicitly stated disengaging from relationships with people when he knows he or they are going away. It should have been so much more apparent to me. He wants to be a superhero. He wants to be the knight in shining armor. Our friendship hit the rocks when I wouldn't let him play that role in my life.

Now that I've learned to stand on my own two feet, we no longer exist together as companions. I haven't seen him in months, and multiple texts go unanswered. Honestly, I can't help but be angry at the idea that I'll be cut out of people's lives because I'm forging my own path. This journey is the one I need to take, and I feel as though the notion of the convenience of companionship is insulting and demeaning. Regardless, though, I really miss him and hope that some sort of friendship can be regained before I leave. He was a good friend. Maybe I should write it off as just another asshole, but I just can't. Nor would I want to believe that people can really be that cold.

I just wish people would stop being so scared.

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